Disclaimer: I asked David whether I should post this and he mentioned that often when I get personal on the blog it is always me sounding negative, usually about myself. That is true. Social Media and blogs can only portray so much and are only intended to be snippets into people's lives--usually the best snippet (or what
appears to be the best snippet). For the times when I mention some soul wanderings and tug-of-wars going on in my head, just know that this too is a snippet. There is no way for me to detail all the events and emotions leading up to the various more 'personal' posts, but I know that others are right there with me in these meanderings... I hope this encourages.
December 20.
I woke up this
morning weary. Exhausted, I guess.
I had only 10
minutes compared to my usual 45 to sit still before making breakfast for my
brood and getting everyone to school. After that, blahness took over. I tried
to lay back down.
I got up, made tea
and sat with my Bible open and just cried. I had no certainty as to why. I was
sad, sure. Hormonal, yes. I was discontent mainly over my continual failures in
certain areas. I was disappointed in my lack of joy because I had planned on
this being such a joyous season of advent to really behold, and give, and serve
and enjoy. I had had tidbits of all of those emotions, but nothing quite
steady…because. Because life kept coming at me…in unexpected ways.
I told David
I needed a real sabbath rest. I, we, had been going for almost 15 days
straight, one event to the next, great events, great community, great serving,
great enjoying, really. But right now, right before Christmas…peace eluded me.
The time I was most looking forward to with David and the kids…where I cook and
bake with joy, with no math to execute, no Latin to review. We just listen to
God's word together and really worship Jesus through the retelling of his
birth. This is my favorite time of year.
And there I sat crying. I wasn't even
pitying myself (not this day anyway :). I didn't quite know how/what to pray,
but I did know where to go…to the Sermon on the Mount. You may think what a
condemning place to go. No, I went to the first beatitudes and meditated there.
I reread my notes surrounding the page, and I cried out to God to remind me of
my poverty, my lack and to fill me with joys of His kingdom, that is the
promise there. Mourn over sin, yes. HIS comfort that the verdict is in, I am
free. And I prayed.
David just
listened. I told him I wasn't depressed, I wasn't even sad about the most
recent events, just overall tired. I told him the encouragement I received from
the Word. How I had gone to my computer and read a quote that a friend had posted by
Elisabeth Eliot:
Elisabeth
Elliot ~" If you dwell on your own feelings about things rather than
dwelling on the faithfulness, the love, and the mercy of God, then you're
likely to
have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Our feelings are very
fleeting and ephemeral, aren't they? We can't depend on them for five minutes
at a time. But dwelling on the love, faithfulness, and mercy of God is always
safe."
Next, I decided to run, it wasn't my run day
but I needed it, and I needed more truth in. I re-listened to 'The Blessedness
of Self-forgetfulness' by Tim Keller. Please listen to this every year! This
reoriented my heart even more and reminded me again to "not think more of
myself, or less of myself but to think of myself less" and it did remind
me of my Union with Christ. I am HIS. He is mine. This is the story of
Christmas.
Am I filled with unutterable joy at this moment? No, but there is
peace in my weary heart. And that is what he came to bring. This is the way HE
desired me to enjoy advent this year. Him near to my soul with His glory, his
presence in my midst.
