Yes, Happy New Year.
I love living in China because I can make my plans, goals, etc. and implement them guilt-free after Chinese New Year, which is still a few weeks away.
My plan? Don't quite have one. Goals? I do have some....normal ones, lose twenty pounds, read the word more, yell at my children less, love God more, love others better....
The past few months have been non-stop with Baby, with sickness, guests, visa stuff, ag project stuff, guests, then guests, then more guests, and big discussions about big decisions.
Home School? we do homeschool, it just is not stellar or ideal at the moment, I will quote my friend: it is a 'fly by the seat of my pants' type of homeschool....the type that really stresses me out.
So...I am exhausted and hope to be better at planning so that I can function better. I am getting out of the brain fog, though I still don't have any sleep through nights. If Gabrielle goes long at night, Tobin wakes up 3x, or any other kiddo....
David and I just look at each other and gently remind one another that this life is not supposed to be restful or easy (in fact the curse promises it won't be).
I just read 'Death by Living' by N.D. Wilson. Some people may not like his style of prose. I love it, or normally would love it, if I were not in brain fog. But I did laugh out loud and get greatly challenged by it, and then I got to the chapter worth the price of the book, and these words. These words I read after a day of doubt and fear and harshness, a day where I said to David: "If I speak it all out it just sounds so...ungrateful...ugh"....
these words:
'Glory is sacrifice, glory is exhaustion, glory is having nothing left to give. Almost. It is death by living.'
and then he writes to remind us to...
'see Christ in every pair of eyes. To write a past I won't regret. To reach the dregs of the life I've been given and then lick the bottom of my mug. To live hard and die grateful.
And to enjoy it.'
There is so much more to it than that. But not really. Not this life. Pour it all out, death by living, I am still working out what it all means, but I know for now it means to actually live it, not just capture, to actually enjoy, even the hardest parts of throw up nights, to actually depend on the ONE who gave it all. Give to exhaustion, lay it down...my selfishness, my sleeplessness, my whatever, and let the little ones come to me so I can be like Christ for them right now.
